My heavy heart, forgives.


Monday, August 13, 2012


Here I am sitting by the window watching the heavy rain outside... feeling the strong breeze as it gently blew across my face, I am looking at the gloomy weather. What a sight..

Where are you Mr. Sunshine?

My heart is too heavy. I am in the midst of a breakdown.

What do these people know about me? nothing..

What do they know about my upbringing? nothing..

What do they know about what I've been through? nothing..

What do they know about my life, my feelings, my conscience, me as a person, my soul, my integrity, my moral values in life, my faith in God, my heart? nothing..

But why do these people talk as if they know everything about me?
Why do they have to go against me and try to pull me down?

My friends would say, perhaps, it's Jealousy.

But I don't think I am that great enough for people to get jealous about me, Infact I don't think I have an interesting life. I am no celebrity nor an important person, I don't even have an audience to please, for fecks sake! I don't even consider myself as rich and popular. But why do these people got some hots for me? Acting like retard freaks, exerting their efforts and energy by ruining me as a person, making fake accounts, spreading rumors to my friends and to other people, sending me hate mails. etc.. as if I have a name to protect. Am I really that important to these people? Do they even have their own lives?

They can say it's purely jealousy but for me it's their lack of respect and maturity thereof. These people don't even know how to respect their parents, their friends, the people around them and neither God. These people probably didn't get hugged enough as a child. Cause if they were complete in love and know the word respect they wouldn't even run their mouths and say bad things to people that they practically don't even know. The word of God is so clear:
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29
If I had'nt known this verse in the Bible, I would probably be just like them now. Gossiping and pointing fingers to people who are so much better than me. But I know God and I respect him, I have a big love for him and his words so I have decided to shut my mouth (for a year now) and just basically lifted up everything to him. All to his power and grace.. God says that I need only to be still and he will fight for me. So I am trusting his words. For a year, I have chosen not to speak.. because these people used to be my friends, friends who betrayed me and hated me secretly for years just because of these things I have (material things.. iphone, blackberry, dslr, cellphones, random gifts from friends etc.) Incestuous cousins who practically blamed us for everything, why their forbidden love came out. God knows what really happened. He knows my heart and who's telling the truth.We all know what happened and what you did.. You can compare my timeline to your timeline, your tweets to my tweets, your actions to my actions. I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG. nor have I created any faux accounts. Because I am NOT coward. I did not create any fake accounts, not a single one. I swear on my grave and on my life, I didn't do whatever you have accused me of doing. Y'all know that damn well that everything was just plain accusations and your own little school girl drama and petty games to play on people's minds. False rumors so I would feel alienated to my friends, even to my boyfriend. I don't have to tell every details because y'all know what you've been doing to me to my family and friends for the past whole year.

It fascinates me how such people can do these things to someone though? What do they think about before they go to sleep? Do they even pray to God? Do they even have the guts to call on God?

and to some...

How can you possible use such power to try and pull people down? I may have done something bad in the past like the rest of us but that doesn't mean I am a terrible person, that you can hate my being and judge me as if we're living in the same roof. How can someone judge people way too fast? Why do people have to badmouth others just to feel good about themselves? Why can't they just let others be?

I can talk for hours after hours here but people will still remain deaf and blind. I know I shouldn't worry about what other people might think of me, they don't even know me.. not one bit. For me, people who listen to bad rumors are nothing but one of them.. just the thought of you taking the word of mouth instead of going to the source says a lot about how two birds with the same feather flocks together.

As a friend of mine Marquis once told me,
"A wise man once told never argue with fools. Cos people from a distance can't tell who is who."

I guess, I just have to be thankful that I did so many great things to my friends and to other people around me that they don't even dare to believe any bad rumors about me. I am thankful that I have proven myself good enough to these people and have shown my good heart to them as a reflection of my fear towards God. Because I am human. I believe we were created by God in his own image, therefore we should act according to his likeness. So here I am, still trying to act as humanly as possible because I want to get the same respect from these people. Moreso, I am thankful that I am not the bad guy here, God knows what I did and did not do.. and I am thankful for everything that would still come my way. I am still blessed with friends, with amazing people who cares for me and supports me in everything I do. I am still so much loved and still getting enough respect that it evens up for me. And most especially, God loves me.
I don't care about all of these, I should be past caring now.. I should act like the bigger person here because I am the one who knows the word of God. I have forgiven them a long time ago, by the fact of not stooping down and getting even, I know I have forgiven them by the amount of prayers I have spoken for them. I know I have forgiven them by the amount of tears that was shed whenever I think about our old memories together. I know I have a heavy heart right now, but I have forgiven them. 

I have been able to forgive like this because God has forgiven me.

All I need to do now is to pray for them some more, because that's what they need right now. They need prayers, genuine prayers for the amount of karma that will eventually come their way. 

May God bless your soul..

My life will still continue though.

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