My alone time.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Here I am sitting by the window at 1 AM in the morning trying to type out my emotions. The whole house is so quiet, I hear nothing except the sound of my typing.

I know I should be sleeping now because tom is the DAY our BIG day! Our beloved play. I'm excited. A bit of mixed emotions actually. I feel nervous because well, nearly 2000 people will get to watch me act on stage. Quite a funny scene because I've never imagined in my whole life that I will be acting on stage. But nonetheless, I am giving you guys my pinky swear that I will give my shitload of effort just to give you a good show.

Anyways, I feel so at peace.

My alone time. I love my alone time like, now.

Just me and my thoughts.

This silence reminded me of someone. The one that got away. That one final moment of goodbye. No waves, just turned backs. Pieces by pieces you see all your hopes, dreams and love-- rusting in layers as it waits to wither away. It was such a devastating scene to watch as you see your plans together becoming more and more unreal and nothing but some sugar-coated lies.

It always fascinates me how people can just shut you down instantly.. just like that! BOOM and then walk away, walk away and didn't even look back.

I asked my friend Pauline why do I feel these things after all these years. She told me that maybe because I haven't found the "one" yet. The one who could diminished all the hate and whatnot inside of me. Or that maybe, I am still the old martyr me and I don't have enough self love.

I once read that there are two kinds of women-- those who eat in a crisis and those who lose their appetite in a crisis. Looking back, I was so immature/naive.. and out of anger and hate I've tried my hardest not to live in bitterness but still I held grudges for that person. Well, because getting mad was easier than being sad... that's what I thought. But that ugly hate corrupted me. I have lost it all. I've lost my appetite for life and for love. But as you grow older you'll realize that you have wasted so many bits of you for nothing. You may have truly loved that person but he might not be the right person for you.

Yes I screwed up and was so full of shit about love. But I find beauty with all that loss. I have found, ME. I've found me as a whole. I've started all over again and seek for the love I think I deserve. Within that 2 years of relationship, there wasn't a single moment when I was being myself and I figured well-- it wasn't love after all. Maybe it was just the aftermath of rushing into love, of making yourself believe that you have found the "one"(when in reality you just happened to meet your first boyfriend) then you make a fool out of yourself trying to stay and fight for that so called soulmate who's now left you for someone else. How tragic.Well hello love.

When my boyfriend asked me if I could promise him that I will stay with him forever. I told him bluntly that I can't and I know he can't promise me that either. Simply because I know life will eventually get in the way. But by all means, for as long as he would remain faithful, with all my heart I would.

I love this guy though. He doesn't get mad nor demands. It wasn't the kind of love that makes you think you are being delusional again or whatnot. It was the kind of love that makes your cheeks hurt from cheesin. The kind of love who gives more when I'm giving 30% of the love, he's giving me back the 70% or even more. The kind of love that makes you want to wear tags that says "I am crazy blessed." I love him and its beautiful because he loves me more.

I know there is no such thing as a better relationship or love, we all just have it differently. and now I think I have it perfectly. If not, well I think I just have it enough, enough that I am contented and that my heart is at it's happy place.

I know I had it all wrong before... that love was a make believe.

but this is different, I know for a certain that.. This is LOVE.
Love as it's finest perfection! Finally, I know better.

It's 3am now. Forgive my writing and my blabbing.
I need to doze off! x

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